The Pot of “Hope” at the end of the Rainbow
It was my birthday last week, and let me tell you, I FREAKING LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!! I turned 49 years old laying flat on my back sick as a dog and STILL loved my birthday. MSP (or Mr. Sexy Pants my Hubby for those of you new here) sent me flowers, and I had tons of Facebook posts to respond to with crossed eyes and blurred vision. Heaven!
Now to be perfectly honest I’m working hard everyday to make this 49 look like 29. I’m every self-help guru’s, cream selling, supplement advertisement, and this can be you’s pot of “hope” at the end of the rainbow. Man, they can smell me coming from a mile away. I’m helpless; it’s a problem.
For example, one of my friends has been working out and eating right for 4 months and has lost 21lbs! Heck yes I want to work out and eat right too. Come on, 21lbs is AMAZING. Never mind that I’ve been a couch potato for the past 2 years and cannot walk up a flight of stairs without having to stop. Let’s do this! The power of suggestion is strong with this one!
Example two: I’m noticing more than your average “fine lines and wrinkles” popping up on my trying to be 29 again face. Are you kidding me? Say hello to my skincare regimen by DRMTLGY. DRMTLGY – Medical Grade Skin Care | Official Site
I spend a LOT of time asking myself why I have to wash my face TWICE a day when I do not wear makeup or leave my house most days. I also spend quite a bit of time trying to remember whether or not I use the serum before or after the anti-ageing eye cream. Also, NO ONE told me that if you’ve never used retinol before that you should go SLOW with it. Using it every day right off the bat will MAKE YOUR FACE PEEL OFF! No joke, my face turned into fish scales for a week. Nevertheless, I’m in. I’m washing and scrubbing and putting so many things on my face I added like 20 minutes to my 5 minute get ready routine every day.
So, I’m working out, losing weight, getting back in shape. My face has peeled completely off like a snake and I think at least ONE of my wrinkles has disappeared (WINNING!) Now let’s talk about what’s going on inside of this 49 trying to look 29 body.
NEWS FLASH: According to Pinterest you need to take vitamins along with eating right. (My love of Pinterest is a real thing!) Apparently, apple cider vinegar is a THING so yup, I’m taking smelly ACV supplements along with my horse pill size women’s multi. I’ve tried one kind of ACV, have since found another one that is supposedly THE BEST, and will be switching to that when I run out of this one. Thanks Facebook advertisement. UGH.
Then one day while enjoying a “how-to” video for winged eye-liner (stupid, remember I almost never wear makeup. What was I doing there?) I get hit with a “Do you know that you lose 90% of the collagen in your body by 30 years old” advertisement. (Thanks again FB, ugh) This leads me down a RABBIT HOLE of collagen supplements both pill and powder form. With and without amino acids, peptides, and vitamin C. Did you know that you need 5 kinds of collagen? Really? Look it up! I decided on this one Codeage Multi Collagen Powder With 10,000mcg Biotin, Keratin, Vitamins
because it has it all, I don’t feel like researching anymore, and I can just put it in my coffee in the morning and forget about it. Please don’t let my hair grow any more or get thicker!!!
Speaking of hair. Get ready for this. I have enough hair on my head for 5 women. Maybe more. I have such thick hair that I have about half of it shaved off underneath (ears down) to help my neck get some air. You would never know that though BECAUSE I STILL HAVE SO MUCH HAIR!
I decide one day to buy a clarifying shampoo and a super conditioner to give me “shampoo commercial” hair again. I’ve lost my shine y’all. So, there I was in the shower double washing my hair with this clarifying shampoo when I realized that my fingers were literally stuck in my hair. It’s as if I had one giant dreadlock. Commence freak out.
I try to rinse but it’s not working. I get the super duper conditioner and start trying to work it into the dreadlock with no avail. Now, I’ve been in the shower for a while and I’m in danger of running out of hot water. I turn off the water and just sit there praying that the conditioner starts working. I get a shower comb and start picking at it. Nope, not working. Do I just call out to Mr. Sexy Pants to come and shave my head???
Thirty minutes later, 30 MINUTES LATER, I’m almost crying as I’ve ripped out a billion strands of hair detangling it. I finally turn on the water, rinse it off, and get out. After losing a BILLION strands of hair I was feeling okay except for my head hurting like I’ve just been in a 10th grade girl fight getting drug down the hall by my hair.
MSP has justifiably assumed I’ve been kidnapped since I’ve been gone for so long.
NEWS FLASH #2 Do NOT use clarifying shampoo if you have naturally DRY hair. Just don’t. You’re welcome.
Now MSP has a ring-side seat to the glorious mess that is me. He supports me working out and being crippled a couple times a month because I did too many reps of something without stretching, or tried to pick up something way too heavy for me. He hasn’t said one word about the buffet size display of face goop in the bathroom. When my face peeled off in ugly little flakes he just shook his head and once he made sure I wasn’t hurting just ignored it like it wasn’t even happening. He’s a trooper and hopes that I just don’t lose my sanity before we can retire and travel.