The glamorous life of a House Cat. I’m in hell, but I love it.
I live with 7 little maniacs that try to kill me on a daily basis. Five cats, and two dogs whose main goal in life is to poison me with hair, or throw me down a flight of stairs.
Sleep, what the hell is that? Between the dogs wanting to go potty in the middle of the night, or wanting to sleep with us- farting all night trying to suffocate me, or the ever loving cats singing the song of their people at the bedroom door, I haven’t slept a full night in years.
On any given day I clean up at least 5 piles of poop, yak, or mystery balls-o-stuff. Thank God I have a strong stomach. The 5 gallon Home Depot bucket is my friend as I fight through my day just trying to clean up the mess. It’s like Easter everyday as I hunt for the yuk they have left me. I know it’s somewhere, I can hear them doing it….. It’s a freaking game, I have to find it before someone sits in it.
Both dogs bum rush me any time I get near a door. Garage door, back door, laundry room door…. It doesn’t matter where the damn door is going to….. Where the hell are they going? What the crap is so exciting 20 times a day??? I have had my legs knocked out from under me and my knees buckled simply by trying to go to the backyard. I’ve been tossed down the stairs landing gracefully on my ass because someone outside walked by the front door, and they have to go bark their faces off. I’ve been knocked down and stuffed under my truck just by letting them out at the park. Two 70+ pound dogs versus me, I lose every time.
Then you have the sneaky, crafty cats. These little shits hide on stairs to trip me, bolt around corners to trip me, swipe at my arms and legs as I walk by, and throw up on every flat surface in the house. That’s just the first hour I’m awake everyday. Again, the damn doors. Why do they try and escape all the time? Who else is going to feed them Special Kitty food everyday? Who else is going to leave full glasses of ice water all over the house so they won’t try and drink out of the toilets? Where the hell are they planning to go?
Back to the dogs. Chew bones, and pieces of toys have destroyed multiple vacuums, while the hair. My God the hair. How are they not bald?
Why did I buy a house with white ceramic tile floors in it? Cleaning the floors is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. Completely pointless. I could make money stuffing pillows with all of the damn hair I sweep up. Don’t get me started on the cat hair……
I haven’t eaten a meal, or drank a beverage in 9 years that didn’t have hair in it. Not even possible. It’s everywhere. Floors, counters, furniture, sinks, clothes, beds, every-freaking-where. Ever see a dandelion come apart in the wind…. Yup, brush my cats and that’s what the whole house looks like. I need a hazmat suit and 2 allergy pills just to survive. Again, pillows. I could do it.
You know what else. I love every freaking minute of the hell they put me through. I chase them, I tickle them, I hug them as they struggle to get away, I cuddle with them on the floor, the bed, the furniture….. I spoil them rotten, and every day when I sit down they converge on me and surround me with 14 little eyes telling me they love me…… and they’re hungry.