Life, Momma

I Am A Strong Woman Because A Strong Woman Raised Me

Sunday, May 13th is Mother’s Day in the U.S.  A day to celebrate Moms….. Fur baby Moms, single fathers who are both Moms and Dad, and Moms who are no longer with us.

I lost my Mom in 2006, and I have a handful of friends, and family who have also lost their mothers since then.  I know for most of us that Mother’s Day is at the very bottom of our list of favorite holidays now, but it’s also one that I started celebrating again.  You see, I’m also a mother.  A mother of a beautiful, and loving 26 year old daughter who is so important to me that I push back the bad thoughts of losing my mother, and concentrate on her.

I look forward to spending time with her doing things that I love, and she mostly hates.  🙂  It cracks me up that she just fights through the boredom to do what makes me happy.  It also makes my heart fill up that she loves me enough to just spend time with me doing “lame mom stuff”.

My Mom was the strongest woman I ever knew, and continued to hold that title until my daughter took it from her in the past couple of years.  I see a lot of my Mom in my daughter, and I smile because it’s the best parts, her strength and beautiful heart to just name a couple.

So, happy Mother’s Day to those who celebrate.  Call your Mom.  Love her while you can.  One day she won’t be there to call, or hug.

 

 

Life, Momma

April Showers Bring May Flowers and Two Weeks of Pain

Mother’s Day is the 2nd Sunday of every May, and is preceded by up to two solid weeks of inescapable pain.  For some, not all, have lost their mothers for any number of reasons.  Some, not all, grimace in pain with hearts being stabbed by all of the Mother’s Day commercials, and well wishes to those mothers who are lucky enough to still be here with their families.

I wouldn’t begrudge anyone of their well wishes, and celebrations of their mothers BUT I sure wish May 15th would hurry up and get here.  Last year Mother’s Day fell on May 8th.  Lucky us, only 8 days had to pass before we could breathe again.  This year, not so much.

I think back to Mother’s Day past, and try to remember celebrating with my Mom.  It’s been so long now I just can’t recall a single memory even though I know that we did.  I know I gave her, or made her gifts.  I know that I sent, or made her cards.  I know that I sent flowers, or brought her presents.  I know I did, but my memories are a black hole that I can’t fill in.

There has to be a medical term for selective memory loss…..  (Thanks Google, there is.)

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
 (Redirected from Selective memory loss)

Selective amnesia -is a type of amnesia in which the victim loses certain parts of his/her memory. Common elements that may be forgotten: relationships, special talents, where he/she lives, abilities in certain areas , and events such as concerts, shows, or traumatic events (e.g.: a death of a loved one).

I believe that this “selective amnesia” is a coping mechanism used by our brains when the pain is too traumatic.  For instance, I have fogged over the entire 3 months from when I learned my Momma had a brain tumor, all the way up to the day of her funeral.  Those memories are still there, but in a foggy way, not clear and horrible.  I can, if I want, pull them up and remember them, but mostly my brain just glosses over them and skips that part of my life.

I tell you all of this as more of a release valve than anything.  A reminder to my friends, and those who follow me, that if you’ve lost your mother I know what you are going through.  I am here for you if you need me.  My mother was my best friend, my partner in crime, my rock.  Not a single day goes by that I don’t miss her, want to talk to her, or sit and stare at her picture.  I still can’t believe that she’s gone, but I take heart that I will see her again.  That thought makes the pain bearable.

This is my 11th Mother’s Day without my mother.  My 11th everything without my mother.  And my 11th reminder to those who haven’t lost their mothers to:

  • Call your Mother
  • Make up with your Mother
  • Celebrate your Mother
  • Forgive your Mother
  • Love your Mother

For the rest of us, hang in there.  Four more days to go.

 

Life

2017. The year I find out “why”?

two-days

2017.  The year I find out why.

I grew up being told by my mother that I was born for a reason.  Not because mom plus dad equaled me, but because I was meant to do something great.  I’ve had so many miracles in my life that I’ve always believed what she told me was true.  So many times in my life I should have died, but didn’t.  So many unexplainable times either health wise, by my own stupidity, or for reasons out of my control I should not have made it, but I did. 

Now, my husband is definitely one of my angels.  He’s had his hands full with me for the past 26 years, so he deserves a ton of credit.  I’m accident prone, and should not be left unsupervised for long periods of time LOL.  I’m so thankful that God sent him to me for this, and many other reasons.

I asked my Pastor once why I had so many miracles in my life.  More than what I thought was my fair share.  He told me simply because I believed in them.  Because I believe so strongly in miracles, I see them when they happen….almost manifest them for myself.  I recognize them for what they are.  I’ve always loved his answer as it made sense to me, and allowed me to be at peace.

miracle

I know one reason “why” I’m here was to bring my amazing daughter into this world.  She has truly made this world a better place just by being in it.  That’s important to me.  I’ve seen her save people, and change their lives for the better with my own eyes.  She’s destined for greatness by virtue of her beautiful heart, loving nature, and ability to reach out to people with words, and actions to make them feel better.  Live better.  It’s a beautiful gift she has that makes me so very proud of her. 

In 2017 I’m going to continue my quest to find out “why”.

why

I’m here for a reason.  I’m not just a human walking around on this planet, and using oxygen.  I’m more than that.  I’m not a useless person taking up space.  I do my part to save the planet, to make a difference, to try and right the wrongs I see, to combat injustice and hate when I see it.  I refuse to be a spectator.  That’s not what I’m here for.

XOXO

Jeanie

Empty Nesting, Life, Tips and Hints, Uncategorized

The Top Two Rules for Happiness in Paradise

There are so many things that go together to make a marriage work, but there also has to be those top things you do 24/7, 365 without fail.  Things that after time come naturally, and are so ingrained in your relationship that it changes your personality.  In our home “Paradise” as I call it, we have two rules, or guidelines, that we established 26 years ago that we live by.  They are ingrained, and just something that we do without thinking.

yelling

  1.  We NEVER yell, or raise our voices, at each other.  UNLESS, the house is on fire, or I need MSP (Mr. Sexy Pants, AKA: my husband) to kill a bug of some kind.

My Mother had a sign in our house growing up that said “Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire”, and it made an impression on me.  I can remember back to the exact day when MSP and I yelled at each other the last time….. it was 2005.  The house was not on fire, it was a rare, but bad argument, and it’s also been 11 years since it happened.  I remember it because it was so rare.

The higher the decibel of the argument does not increase the odds of your being right.   In fact, instead of having a conversation in a normal tone of voice to work out the issue at hand you have now made the entire situation into an screaming match.  Can you think better when someone is yelling at you?  Can you be rational when you are waiting for them to stop yelling so you can scream at them?  In my experience, the answer to both questions is a big NO.  There is no argument or problem that cannot be resolved at a normal tone of voice IF you really want to work it out.

cursing

2. We NEVER curse at each other in anger, or 99% of the time in our day to day lives.  Very rarely you will hear one of us do this just joking around, and it’s so rare it will stand out if you really know us.

In my opinion, again, when you curse at the one you love, it is a HUGE sign of disrespect.  I love my husband too much to ever want to disrespect, or demean him in any way.  When it’s done in anger is the worst.  Calling the one you love a bitch, or an asshole (or all the other great one’s out there) when you are trying to work something out is demeaning, disrespectful, and childish.  Again, I can remember the EXACT day, time, and where we were at, the last time MSP and I cursed at each other.  It was in 2005, during the same argument in which we were yelling at each other.  I still remember how hurt I was hearing those words.  The yelling was bad enough, but the words we said burned a hole through my heart.  No matter the outcome, neither of us won that day.  I think we inflicted more damage on each other trying to resolve our issue than any damage the issue had done before we even started speaking to each other.  Eleven years later I still regret every horrible thing I said and the way I said it.

 

broken-heart

 

No relationship is perfect, but these two rules, or guidelines, have helped us for the better part of 26 years and I wanted to share them.  Let me know what you think, and if you have any rules, or guidelines that have helped keep your marriage, or relationship strong.

Muah,

Jeanie

 

Life

The monster inside of me

 

I sat drinking my coffee this morning, a completely different person than the one I was just 24 hours before.  I went to wake up my husband, and realized that without him…….. without him I would not BE.

Supernova

(Courtesy of NASA)  Main sequence stars over eight solar masses are destined to die in a titanic explosion called a supernova. A supernova is not merely a bigger nova. In a nova, only the star’s surface explodes.

In a supernova, the star’s core collapses and then explodes.

SUPERNOVA

At 8am yesterday morning I set out on a 561 mile trip feeling as if I was going to be torn apart from the inside.  I felt exactly like a Supernova that would violently explode and collapse into a black hole of nothingness.   I was full of so much rage, vengeance, and pain that I do not even really remember my trip.

I drove through horrible rain, and terrible traffic for 561 miles while crying, having chest pains, heart palpitations, and feeling as if my head and/or heart may just explode at any minute.  All of this for one reason.  I had to face the monster that tried to murder my family.

map

I drove to Beaumont, Texas for a sentencing hearing, and to come face to face with the MONSTER that harassed my daughter, and myself for a solid year.  Who terrorized my baby girl, and as his grand finale, tried to have us all murdered in our own home by “swatting” us.

rage held

For almost a year and a half I have carried all of this pain, fear, and rage inside of me.  I had to see him face to face.  I had to look in the eye, and speak to, the monster who wanted all of us dead.  I stood 10 feet away from him in front of a judge and rage/cried my way through my Victims Impact Statement. I stood there in MY MOST VIOLENT FORM, a mother who’s child was harmed, and wanted to tear him apart limb by limb.

love rage

Then in a moment it was over.  He was sentenced to 12 months and 1 day in Federal Prison.  Court adjourned.

As a child I was afraid of many things, but I never hid from them.  If there was a monster in my closet I slept facing the closet so I would be ready when it came for me.  When there was a monster under my bed I did not hide under my blanket.  I kept my head out, and waited to defend myself.  The same process applies to this situation.  I needed to see the monster, and I made sure it happened.

This brings me to today.

My husband took the time to make sure I could do what I had to do, AND he was waiting to put me back together when I came home.  He knew I had to break myself into a million pieces so I could put myself back together and move on with my life.  HE put me back together.  So, I’m saying thank you.  Again.  For being my “safe place”, and the giver of strength when I’ve run out of my own.  For loving me even when I cannot love myself, and for keeping the monster inside of me from taking me away forever.

I love you MSP.

 

 

Empty Nesting

I Love You, I Hate You, I Love You…. The Journey from My Daughter to My Friend

I Love You, I Hate You, I Love You……. The Journey from My Daughter to My Friend.

Being a mother is tough…. I mean TOUGH.  Being a mother to a little girl is a roller coaster ride.  There are exceptions out there I know, but for the most part I know I am not alone in my journey of up’s and down’s, love and hate, happy and sad, and good and bad days.

Twenty-four years ago I could not have imagined where I would be today, hell…. 5 or 10 years ago I wouldn’t have been able to imagine it, but here we are…… ta-da…. We are finally friends.  Here are the stages that we went through:

  • the cute 0-4 year old “Mommy is the best” stage,
  • then came the 5-11 year old “I’m my own little person” stage where Mommy cannot comb my hair, dress me in cute outfits, or tie my shoes for me anymore.  This was also the stage where Daddy’s little girl emerged in our house.
  • Then the 12-16 “Hormone stage” hit like a giant Tsunami and left a wake of tears, you don’t understand me’s, anger, and slamming doors in its wake.
  • 17-20 brought with it the “You are the person I hate the most in the world” stage because you are always wrong, have no idea how life works, and continue to not understand me at all.
  • Then came 21-24 and some mysterious magical switch has flipped and all of the sudden Mommy has brains again, and isn’t such a bad person anymore.

It’s such a relief to be able to stay in the same room together and not fight…..  To be able to have a conversation with each other and no one leaves the room crying.

HOW TO

Hey, babies do not come with step by step instruction booklets.  All the parenting books in the world will not prepare you for the “You are the person I hate most in the world” stage, and the sense of despair and failure that comes with it.  Despair because this beautiful child-woman is looking at you and saying horrible things to you; you can feel your heart break as you try to reason with them and yourself that everything is going to be alright, and failure because you can’t find the right words to make both of you feel better combined with the crippling “what did I do wrong” feeling that if you had been a better mother this wouldn’t be happening at all.

WHAT

My list of regrets is long, I mean long……. I could torture myself for years upon years every minute of the day with the “what could I have said or done’s” that would have made things easier or better for both of us.  I can’t even honestly say that if I had a “do over” that anything would be different because I am just as confused and mystified today as I was 24 years ago about being a mother, but as of right now I’m just glad we both made it to where we are today: alive and sane.

ME AND SJ img_2080

I sit here today comfortable in the knowledge that my daughter and I are friends….  That she loves me and I love her… That I raised a strong willed woman who could take over the world if she wanted to….. That she has a beautiful and amazing heart, will fight for what’s wrong in the world to make it a better place, and anyone who is lucky enough to be called her friend is in a pretty fortunate group of people.

I just look back at all the funny, happy, silly, crazy times we have had and hope it will be enough to not have me featured as the “worst mom in the world” on some reality TV show one day.  So, here’s to the good times ahead, and to mothers and daughters everywhere just taking it day by day and hoping for the best.

Remember to say “I love you” every single day, even if it’s through a closed door or at the top of your lungs as the other person walks away, because that is the one undeniable truth that will never change and the one absolute starting point for every new day.

jeanie

A little about me…… I’m a princess……yes, a real live princess….. I have a purse, shoe, and book obsession. I’m a borderline animal hoarder with 2 dogs, and 4 cats, and I’m also a House Cat, living in paradise with the love of my life AKA: Mr. Sexy Pants.  I can’t stand hot weather……… love when it’s cold outside, and I’m emotionally high maintenance requiring LOTS of attention. I only sing in the car, not the shower, and always by myself…… Last, but not least………I drive a little red hot rod Hyundai (yes I know, don’t say it), her name is Scarlett and I’m sure we will be pulled over by some bored police officer near you very soon.

Uncategorized

I Was Raised by an Egg Timer

I Was Raised by an Egg Timer.

I’ve been asked before that if I could write a book on my life what would it be titled.  Simple.  I was raised by an egg timer.

It really explains so much about my personality when you think about it.  I am a born strategist.  Born of necessity because of critical time management skills learned so young…  I am painfully punctual.  These two personality traits are deeply rooted in my childhood thanks to my mother.

me and momma

To say that I am lazy is an understatement.  I know it, I accept it, but you may not realize this about me.  Bill Gates said this…..

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Well, the internet says that Bill Gates said this…. Who knows?

My sainted mother had the hardest time getting me to do anything in a timely manner, so she devised a plan that would forever change me.  She bought an egg timer.  Now this egg timer began to rule my life with an iron clock.  I had so many minutes to get out of bed, or when that egg timer went off she was coming in to dump ice water on my head.

I had so many minutes to finish drinking my water, or I would lose a privilege.  (Note:  I hated water as a child and still do as an adult.  I also suffered from kidney issues because of this.  The doctor wanted me to drink 6 to 8- 8 ounce glasses of water a day, and it was only upon threat of the egg timer that I would do so).

You name it and she clocked me.  Eating dinner, cleaning my room, doing the dishes….. I hated that thing.  Gives me heart palpitations just thinking about it, but it worked.  Well, I say it worked because I strategize everything.  I also am never late.  Invite me somewhere and find out.  🙂  I will be the one calling to find out where you are, you only have 5 minutes left……

God bless Momma for her alternative child rearing decision.  I very rarely failed to complete my tasks on time, always wondered about the “or else” if I didn’t beat the clock, but I still do not drink my water.

Muah,

Jeanie

Empty Nesting

Did you know Empty Nesters are at a higher risk of divorce?

Empty nesting Week #1

Did you know that “empty nesters” are at a higher risk of divorce?  Did you also know that the latest National divorce statistics are down, but “grey divorces” (those over 50) are actually shown to be up by double digits!

RV-AG170_DIVORC_G_20120302124502

I’ve heard of this before, but after talking to friends it seems that this is a thing.  A HUGE thing!  Statistics that I have read show a surge in couples age 50 and up divorcing due to their adult children leaving home.  This really surprises me since my thought is that when kids finally move out of the home the couple can get back to all the fun things they used to do together before parenting took over their lives.  This apparently is not the case because years of parenting turns husbands and wives into very different people than they were when they first got married.  They discover that they have nothing in common, and their children were the one thing holding them together.  They are “mom and dad”, and that’s it.  Not a couple in love with each other.

empty-nest

I’m interested in this topic because it’s such an absolute reverse of my life with MSP.  (MSP = Mr. Sexy Pants- aka my husband for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook).  For example.  MSP and I spent this past weekend (our first empty nesting weekend) Doing all the fun, silly, sexy things we’ve always done.

We went out to a show Friday night and hung out with our friends.

We woke up Saturday morning and went to breakfast together.

We went grocery shopping to buy everything we needed to hole up at home all weekend.

We pulled a mattress out into the living room and spent 12 hours “camping out” on the living room floor “picnicking” and binge watching Netflix.

We spent time just talking to each other, and cuddling with the animals.

We woke up Sunday morning (on previously mentioned mattress on the living room floor) and did yard work for hours.

We took a bubble bath together.

We had friends over for dinner, and to watch Game of Thrones together.

All in all a perfectly, perfect weekend…… BUT not out of the ordinary for us.  We always have weekends like that.

13221309_10156943097935284_1068845175015010366_o Picnic 13243944_10156941787855284_1097530636010809418_o Camping Out

I read something recently that I totally, 100% agree with.  I am not “in love” with my child.  I AM in love with my husband, and I love my child.  I miss my Baby Girl terribly, but there has always been two parts of my life.  My marriage, and my family.  They are not the same thing.  I married my husband to spend the rest of my life with him as my mate, my partner, my everything.  Our daughter was this amazing gift from God that came along later to make us a family.  Now that Baby Girl has moved away to start her own life her Daddy and I are gonna be fine.

“Grey Divorces” happen for multiple reasons, and I hate the thought of this happening to anyone.

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  1.  Problems, resentments, issues of the past were put on the back burner, and once the kids are gone, the buffer is gone, they all come back with a bang and seem too overwhelming to deal with
  2. Husbands and wives now look at each other and think they don’t really know the other person, are not sure they even like the other person, and start deciding if they really want to spend the next 30-40 years with this person
  3. The marriage, that has been put on hold to raise their children, now has to be restarted all these years later

I think the key to this not happening, and full disclosure, I am NOT an expert, is to keep up with your marriage when the kids are still home.  Don’t let problems fester.  Fight that shit out, and resolve it.  🙂  Remember why you fell in love in the first place, and do the things that you did before that made your spouse say “I’m going to be with this person forever”.  Read this book that changed my life 15 years ago.  The 5 Love Languages:  The Secret to love that lasts.  I was doing almost everything wrong, and after reading this I was able to correct, and get back on track.

So, as I start empty nesting week #2 it is with a lighter heart.  The sadness of our daughter moving is being replaced by joy in hearing how happy she is in her new life.  I’ve reaffirmed that my marriage is strong, healthy, and not in danger of the “grey” problems, and I really cannot wait to camp out, picnic, and take a bubble bath with MSP again.

Muah,

Jeanie

Uncategorized

To my daughter who doesn’t read my blogs… This ones for you.

Even though I see you everyday it’s still hard for me sometimes to process the fact that I have a 24 year old version of your Daddy and I running around this earth.


It’s also hard to process that you are moving to Colorado today from our home in Texas. Hard, being out of the ordinary, not sad, as it’s just been us three together for most of your life.

I’m excited for you. It’s the start of your adventure. Packing up and leaving home…. Traveling hundreds of miles away full of love and wonder and excitement. Your Daddy and I did the same 25 years ago when we were way younger than you are now.


My advice is to let go of any negativity in the past and truly live in the wonder and magic of today.  Of all of your tomorrows. Don’t look back…. You are not going that way!

From the moment I met your Daddy he was my home. Where he wanted to go I was right there. No questions. No hesitation. I didn’t look back either. It’s not hard to jump when you trust someone to always be there to catch you.  There really isn’t anything in our lives that we can say “I wish we would have done that, but we were too scared”.

You are a better, stronger version of me.  Of us.

So trust. Jump. And Fly!  Start making all of the memories you will be telling your daughter one day.

Make them exciting. That’s what I did.

Love, Mom

Uncategorized

I Release Butterflies…. What’s Your Super Power?

I release butterflies… What’s your super power?

 

Relaxing outside with MSP (Mr. Sexy Pants aka my husband for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook) after he comes home from work is one of my favorite things to do.  We have coffee by the pool, listening to the waterfall and the birds singing, and watch the dogs run around chasing squirrels as we catch up on each others day.  It’s a quiet, peaceful part of our routine that allows us to reconnect after 8 hours apart.

Eight hours, huh?  You laugh, but those who really know us also know that we are happiest together, and after 25 years of marriage, eight hours apart is still the worst part of each others days.

IMG_1759

It’s in these times that my “Super Power” comes in handy.  My husband calls it “Releasing Butterflies”.  My ability to release the happiness inside of me to uplift him, and negate the bad energies that the stress of his life has brought upon him.  My daughter says that I am the most annoying person in the world because I’m too happy all of the time.  I’ll take that.  There’s too much sadness in the world.

positivity

My natural state is to be happy.  Glass always half full, look on the bright side, no dark clouds here…. But, I also have so many other things that keep me that way.  Things that, should I have a bad day, are always there to bring me back up.

happy

#1 I’m married to the love of my life, who also happens to be my best friend

#2 He tells, and shows me that one of his major goals in life is to make sure I’m happy… everyday

#3 He loves me in words, and actions…… always seeming to love me more today than he did yesterday

#4 He listens to me… really listens to me.  Phone/tablet/computer down…. looking me right in the eye listens to me when I need him to

#5 He makes me laugh.  Belly laugh

#6  He puts our family, our pod, myself and our daughter, US above everything else.  We are his priority

I could go on and on, but if you really look at it, really pay attention to what’s going on in Paradise, you will come to the same conclusion that I have.  My Love is the one who gave me these “butterflies” almost 26 years ago, and when your heart is as full as mine is, like a balloon with too much air, the butterflies have to go somewhere!

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Muah,

Jeanie