Life

The monster inside of me

 

I sat drinking my coffee this morning, a completely different person than the one I was just 24 hours before.  I went to wake up my husband, and realized that without him…….. without him I would not BE.

Supernova

(Courtesy of NASA)  Main sequence stars over eight solar masses are destined to die in a titanic explosion called a supernova. A supernova is not merely a bigger nova. In a nova, only the star’s surface explodes.

In a supernova, the star’s core collapses and then explodes.

SUPERNOVA

At 8am yesterday morning I set out on a 561 mile trip feeling as if I was going to be torn apart from the inside.  I felt exactly like a Supernova that would violently explode and collapse into a black hole of nothingness.   I was full of so much rage, vengeance, and pain that I do not even really remember my trip.

I drove through horrible rain, and terrible traffic for 561 miles while crying, having chest pains, heart palpitations, and feeling as if my head and/or heart may just explode at any minute.  All of this for one reason.  I had to face the monster that tried to murder my family.

map

I drove to Beaumont, Texas for a sentencing hearing, and to come face to face with the MONSTER that harassed my daughter, and myself for a solid year.  Who terrorized my baby girl, and as his grand finale, tried to have us all murdered in our own home by “swatting” us.

rage held

For almost a year and a half I have carried all of this pain, fear, and rage inside of me.  I had to see him face to face.  I had to look in the eye, and speak to, the monster who wanted all of us dead.  I stood 10 feet away from him in front of a judge and rage/cried my way through my Victims Impact Statement. I stood there in MY MOST VIOLENT FORM, a mother who’s child was harmed, and wanted to tear him apart limb by limb.

love rage

Then in a moment it was over.  He was sentenced to 12 months and 1 day in Federal Prison.  Court adjourned.

As a child I was afraid of many things, but I never hid from them.  If there was a monster in my closet I slept facing the closet so I would be ready when it came for me.  When there was a monster under my bed I did not hide under my blanket.  I kept my head out, and waited to defend myself.  The same process applies to this situation.  I needed to see the monster, and I made sure it happened.

This brings me to today.

My husband took the time to make sure I could do what I had to do, AND he was waiting to put me back together when I came home.  He knew I had to break myself into a million pieces so I could put myself back together and move on with my life.  HE put me back together.  So, I’m saying thank you.  Again.  For being my “safe place”, and the giver of strength when I’ve run out of my own.  For loving me even when I cannot love myself, and for keeping the monster inside of me from taking me away forever.

I love you MSP.

 

 

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